The Retro
by 11 Points
Modern perspectives on ‘80s and ‘90s nostalgia
December 24th, 2021 • Issue 79
This week in nostalgic history
December 24th
33 years ago, on December 24th, 1988 - Poison’s single Every Rose Has Its Thorn hit number one.
Poison was a textbook hair band (not just because they had long hair and were a band) — their music, their look, their band name, their attitude, even their font choices all screamed hair band.
Their only number one hit, however, would be a power ballad.
Every Rose Has Its Thorn hit number one today in 1988, thanks to the “power” of the power ballad overpowering the song’s gratuitous portions of maudlin sincerity. The song would go on to be Poison’s signature song and the one they’re most remembered for today.
That phenomenon is somewhat common among the ‘80s glam metal hair bands. From Poison to Cinderella to Extreme to so many more, when the dust settled on the hair band era, many saw their slow, sad, treacly breakup song as the tallest pillar in their pantheon.
Also on December 24th: NORAD began tracking Santa (1955)… Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman got married (1990)… Tombstone hit theaters (1993)… Notorious B.I.G.’s single Big Poppa was released (1994)… Woody Allen married Soon-Yi Previn (1997)… Time magazine named Rudy Giuliani its Person of the Year (2001)
December 25th
31 years ago, on December 25th, 1990 - The Godfather: Part III hit theaters.
The Godfather: Part III is known an F-grade movie, but that’s only because it’s graded on a curve against its two preceding films — and the ongoing growth of their legend.
At the time of release, the consensus on The Godfather: Part III was it was a “fine but not a classic” level movie (its Rotten Tomatoes score is fine 68%).
Time has been unkind to the perceptions of the film, where what was once fine is now considered an abject disaster and one of the most ill-advised decisions to stretch a duo of films into a trilogy.
Also on December 25th: Chaplin and Hoffa both hit theaters (1992)… Mariah Carey’s song Hero hit number one (1993)… The Jungle Book, IQ, and Ready to Wear hit theaters (1994)… JonBenet Ramsey was killed (1996)… The People vs. Larry Flynt and Evita hit theaters (1996)… Jackie Brown and Wag the Dog hit theaters (1997)… The Faculty and Patch Adams hit theaters (1998)… Richard Branson bailed on his attempt to sail a hot-air balloon around the world after seven days (1998)… Galaxy Quest and The Talented Mr. Ripley hit theaters (1999)
December 26th
29 years ago, on December 26th, 1992 - Wreckx-n-Effect’s one hit, Rump Shaker, peaked at number two.
Rump Shaker, which seemed in its time (and now) like a cookie cutter ‘90s booty song, actually had some real fire power behind it.
The song was produced by (and features) famed music producer Teddy Riley; his brother was a member of Wreckx-n-Effect. And the lyrics to Riley’s verse were written by his young protege, Pharrell.
The song itself, though, was pure post-2 Live Crew “misogyny but, you know, fun” rap. MTV banned the music video for being too gratuitous with its bikini shots.
The reason the song peaked at number two and never topped the charts was (fittingly, karma style) a female powerhouse. At this time in 1992, Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You wasn’t budging from the top of the charts for any reason, no matter how many times another song hypnotized you by repeating zoom zoom zoom or boom boom.
Also on December 26th: Time magazine named the personal computer its Man of the Year (1982)… the Iron Sheik defeated Bob Backlund to end Backlund’s six-year WWF World Championship reign (1983)… the series finale of Cop Rock aired (1990)… Spice World premiered in the U.K. (1997)
December 27th
35 years ago, on December 27th, 1986 - Timbuk 3’s one hit, The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades, peaked at number 19.
The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades, a song that’s the love child of Day Bow Bow Chick-a-Chick-a and She Blinded Me With Science, is an ‘80s one-hit wonder turned cliché and catchphrase.
It turns out there’s a very strange story behind the song — one that belies the ongoing usage of its title as a cliché.
The song wasn’t written to be an anthem of optimistic ‘80s teens, putting on their sunglasses because their futures were so metaphorically bright. The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades was actually meant to be ironic, and the bright future referred to an impending nuclear holocaust.
Timbuk 3, despite having but this one hit, has stuck by that original spirit of the song to this day. They refuse to allow the song to be licensed for movies or commercials, despite massive offers. (Like, seven-figure offers.)
That doesn’t sound all that bright to me, but who am I to throw shade?
Sorry about that one.
Also on December 27th: WWF aired a pay-per-view featuring Hulk Hogan’s movie No Holds Barred as well as a cage match featuring him against his co-star, Tiny Lister (1989)… Fried Green Tomatoes and The Prince of Tides hit theaters (1991)… Bill Goldberg’s 173-match winning streak ended when he lost to Kevin Nash at WCW Starrcade (1998)… Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker gave an interview to Sports Illustrated filled with racist and homophobic statements (1999)… Chicago hit theaters (2002)
December 28th
19 years ago, on December 28th, 2002 - LinkedIn was founded.
One of the first industries to go whole hog on the internet was the jobs industry; by the late ‘90s, job postings had already made the transition out of classified ads and to the exponentially more efficient online world.
So it’s surprising it took until 2002 before someone started a viable online resume and networking site. LinkedIn was founded today in 2002 and launched in May 2003 — just after the other big social network of 2003, Friendster.
LinkedIn saw rapid growth for a few reasons but one of the biggest was, shall we say, a very loose attitude toward the sanctity of your address book. Upon signing up for LinkedIn, the site would often automatically email everyone you knew trying to get them to sign up. The site also had a creepy ability to mine through your email history to unearth potential contacts you’d long since forgotten about.
LinkedIn did eventually tone down some of that creepiness (although they did it very reluctantly). And since, unlike Facebook, LinkedIn has not, thus far, decided to sell all of your personal data to bad actors looking to destroy the world, LinkedIn has emerged from its uncouth past to remain a must-have tool of the modern business world.
Also on December 28th: The first test tube baby was born in the U.S. (1981)… nine people were killed during a riot at a Puff Daddy-promoted hip-hop event (1991)… Andrea Bocelli made his classical concert debut (1993)… World Championship Wrestling botched the ending of the biggest match in their history, the showdown between “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan and Sting (1997)… Montgomery Ward announced it was going out of business (2000)… Black Hawk Down and I Am Sam hit theaters (2001)…
December 29th
32 years ago, on December 29th, 1989 - Wayne Gretzky and Martina Navratilova were named athletes of the decade by the Associated Press.
Awards for athletes always seem a bit unnecessary — after all, they already have awards like championships and MVPs and halls of fame. (For instance, the ESPY for best NBA player is a less prestigious Xerox of the MVP.) However, it’s reasonable to say an award for athlete of the decade is on the “more coveted” end of superfluous athlete awards, at least, since it’s covering such a long period and isn’t redundant with an award already presented.
The AP’s picks for the ‘80s certainly had competition. Joe Montana, Magic or Bird, Michael Jordan, Chris Evert, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Mike Tyson, and plenty of others had very strong cases. However, looking back, Gretzky and Navratilova are both hard to contest.
The AP would go with Michael Jordan in the ‘90s (oddly, I couldn’t find a record of the female pick), Tiger Woods in the ‘00s (same deal on the female pick), and LeBron James and Serena Williams in the ‘10s. All very tough to argue — though some could and would if athlete superlatives like this had more resonance than a 65-second quick hit on PTI.
Also on December 29th: Jamaica issued a Bob Marley postage stamp (1982)… Dolby released the first home surround sound system (1982)… Do the Bartman, from The Simpsons Sing the Blues, peaked at number 24 on the Billboard charts (1990)… Todd Bridges was arrested for transporting drugs (1993)… Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes pleaded guilty to arson (1994)… Mr. Holland’s Opus, Dead Man Walking, and 12 Monkeys all hit theaters (1995)… Lenny Kravitz’s single Fly Away was released (1998)… Mankind won the WWF Championship at a taped Monday Night Raw which would famously air the following week (1998)… The Hurricane hit theaters (1999)
December 30th
30 years ago, on December 30th, 1991 - Genesis’ single I Can’t Dance was released.
I Can’t Dance was the second major pop song of 1991 to satirize the world of male models; the first was Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy in July.
One major difference between the songs: I’m Too Sexy was hyperbolic self-aggrandizing in service of parody; I Can’t Dance was hyperbolic self-effacement in service of parody.
And almost immediately, this didn’t sit well with Phil Collins — who quite clearly did not like people thinking he was actually saying he couldn’t dance.
At the end of the music video for I Can’t Dance, he even included a short clip of him actually dancing well. (Here’s the video, it’s the 4:14 mark.) And periodically over the past few decades he’s given interviews to try to make sure people know the “I” in I Can’t Dance certainly wasn’t him.
So let that be a lesson: if you make a novelty song about male models and have an unrelenting ego, make sure you play a character that pumps you up, not knocks you down.
Also on December 30th: NBC canceled The Wonderful World of Disney after 25 years (1980)… Stevie Wonder’s single That Girl was released (1981)… George Harrison and his wife were attacked during a robbery (1990)… Scott Skiles set the NBA single-game assist record with 30 (1990)
Everything old is new again
A look at the reboots, revivals, throwbacks, retro insights, and nostalgia in the news.
HBO Max has canceled its Head of the Class reboot after one season.
Fisher-Price’s Bluetooth-based reboot of their famous children’s phone has a security flaw that could allow anyone to listen in on your home.
Chad Michael Murray says he “can’t imagine” a One Tree Hill reboot won’t happen in the near future.
Winnie-the-Pooh hits the public domain on January 1st.
A mini version of the Amiga A500 will launch in March with 25 games.
The Alanis Morissette Broadway musical Jagged Little Pill has shut down for good due to COVID.
A very rare Japanese copy of The Legend of Zelda that was part of a giveaway raffle by a popular ramen brand sold for ~$4,000.
Throwbacks and recommendations
Here’s a list of the best and worst reboots of 2021.
HowLongToBeat, a website where people track their video game playing, released its list of the 10 most popular retro games of this year. It’s a very Nintendo-heavy list.
The Indianapolis Star dug through its archives for stories on the hottest Christmas toys 25 years ago: Tickle Me Elmo and the Nintendo 64.
Thanks for reading!
-Sam